In the past year we have had a lot of expectations. There were expectations that we would be pregnant by now; that a retrieval and transfer would happen every cycle; and that our second cycle would yield even better results than the first. Here we are today almost exactly a year later from the start of our first cycle in the same boat we were a year ago. No pregnancy and only one embryo to transfer from two cycles that only implanted a “little bit”.
Next week we start cycle number three, third time's the charm right?! I kind of miss going into it so naïve, excited, and unknowingly positive. Now I consider myself at some points, too knowledgeable with the process that it is hard to forget about the disappointment and the shot to the gut when the bad news is delivered.
The thing that excites me and gives me renewed hope about this cycle is that I have a whole new medication protocol. All that has been proven with my body to this point is that I am a “poor responder” to the typical medication protocol. With that being said, it is insanity to try something over and over that has not yielded good results. So, I have a new optimism about trying to stimulate and “wake up” my ovaries and eggs in a new way. Not a desperate way, but a more aggressive way.
At this point, expectations for IVF #3 are out the window. God has shown me that while I think I can control everything in my life or that I can just go and get what I want, that is definitely not the case. My focus will be on each little step and if we progress past each appointment that in itself is a blessing and success!
During our “break” the last eight months, there have been many times that I have felt close to just saying it isn't meant to be. I have felt like I am playing black jack, and I am down to my last chip (maybe few chips- who knows?). The excitement of the possibility of this working makes me want to hand the chip over and play; yet the fear of it ending in heartbreak again makes me want to put that chip right back in my pocket.
We have prayed our hearts out and we know there are a ton of people praying for us as well. We know that God has the ability to open this door and close it as he desires. We are giving it all to him, as the door has opened again we will walk through it with all the faith and hope in the world. We will give him our hearts completely and we will believe in his promises. There is a plan and a already determined path that we are walking through. This is a difficult journey that many cannot understand, however I wouldn't wish it away at all. We are growing together in a way we never could have on our own.
We want to be able to say confidently and show with the proof of our baby that miracles happen!
For now all we can do is have patience, trust and faith in God and believe with every ounce of our hearts that “With God- All Things Are Possible!” (Matthew 19:26)
Our first appointment for this cycle is Dec.29th (baseline appointment). We will be praying to get the clear to start again. The meds are waiting in the fridge and we are ready! After they were delivered, I had a little talk with them about actually working this time in quite the stern voice! J
|(This is around $3k of meds)|