It is with sad news again that we have to say our IVF #2 didn’t
work. We did another fresh cycle and it
was an emotional rollercoaster from the get go. There were multiple times
throughout the stimulation period based on the ultrasounds that it appeared my
body was not responding well. That is the piece you can never know; the why? There
were a few times that it appeared the cycle could bounce back and we could have
a successful retrieval; however it never quite made it.
We ordered more meds ($$) as we
tried to pump up the dosage and follicle development. We had a few extra
monitoring appointments and added an extra day of stimulation. Within a two day span, we went from thinking
our cycle was cancelled to having the hope that our Dr. felt good about moving
forward and stimulating me one more day; to a dropping estrogen level and
the conversion of our cycle to IUI (artificial
insemination); and lastly having to walk away and try naturally once again.
{As a back track, the reason Kris
and I went straight to doing IVF without doing any IUI treatments, is that because
of a few possible problems he doesn't
have a lot of sperm or good quality sperm. In the past, Kris’s sperm counts have been inconsistent ranging
from 200K to 2.9 million. They like to have at least 1 million to try IUI which only has a 10-20% chance of working.
In our hearts, we had grieved the
end of our 2nd cycle before we even found out it was going to be
converted to IUI. We just knew it was over. It was hard to feel confident
taking the HCG “trigger” shot knowing that we had already been told the IUI
procedure wouldn’t work for us throughout the past year. The nurses built our confidence up a little
bit letting us know that in case there was a “good” sperm sample that we could
use what we had frozen to get it up to a million.
Truthfully, at this point we were numb, we had been crying and processing
that this probably wasn't the right time, my body didn't respond well and we were feeling like it was going to be cancelled over the previous two days. We didn't really have any feelings anymore and the last thing we had was excitement or
hope going into it.
The clinic still had me take the
trigger shot after 11 days of stimulation, as I had 3 mature follicles (the
HCG trigger shot is PAINFUL). The HCG shot is perfectly timed and it happened to be the night Kris had a
late mandatory work meeting. So there I sat, crying in the car in the parking
lot of Kris’s work while he mixed up my shot trying to regain some hope and
strength to get through the next 36 hours.
A day and a half later we went to
the clinic, Kris provided a fresh sample and I did acupuncture. Next was the
IUI procedure. After waiting an extra hour in the waiting room, we knew the
news wasn't good. They were clearly using his frozen as well. Turns out Kris had his lowest sample ever-
10K. Even with unfreezing two vials we only had 400K (they want a million). We
decided to keep the remaining 2 vials of frozen in case we need them later on
and walk away. The Dr. recommended we try naturally and see if that would work,
since my body would still release hopefully 3 eggs. I got my period last week and it didn't work.
The feeling of it not working naturally has
happened for over 4 years month and month; it hurts and is painful but not as
bad as the first time. We had dealt with
the sadness and rollercoaster of emotions the entire week prior to walking away
from the IUI appointment. Last time when
our embryo slightly implanted and then didn’t work was hard. That felt like the
closest thing to even a miscarriage we have ever experienced. Even if it was 10
minutes, and hour or a day… it mattered and meant a little success to us. The Dr. talked about more aggressive and different protocols
for next time, but we were so numb we just bolted, cried and then cried some more.
WHY DID IT NOT WORK AGAIN? HOW MANY TIMES? WHEN IS THE RIGHT
TIME? WILL THEY SUGGEST WE TRY AGAIN OR IS THIS NOT GOING TO WORK? SO MANY QUESTIONS!!
This is a true example that we have no control over our
bodies, our wants and our desires. God knows when my body will be receptive if
it is ever going to be receptive and we will continue to trust him, whatever
that is. There is pain, there is hurt,
there is confusion, but we will again pick ourselves up again, trust a little
more, regain some hope and try to look and listen for the right time to try
again. We are stronger in our faith, we
are stronger as a couple, and we have even a stronger desire to get pregnant
and have a baby.
God knows the end result. We just pray that we continue to
feel his presence and keep our trust in him even when we don’t understand. I
don’t even look at our infertility as a "victim" or that I deserve it more than the next person.
I actually feel somewhat honored that God is choosing to work through Kris and me
in a way that could never happen without the hardship and the struggle. This is
testing us every day, we are learning to be patient and be still. He is always
working things together for our good. He loves us and is with us.
I hear d this quote today and it stuck with me: “Everything
will be ok in the end; if it is not ok then it isn’t the end!”
We don’t know what the end will be, but with our faith in
God we will be ok and after all the tears and physical and emotional healing to
come; we will be strong enough to battle whatever is next.
I was listening to Pandora a lot the week all of this
happened, this song kept popping up. The first verse says my feelings best:
I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at his right hand
Stands one who is my savior
The next step for us is to meet with Kris’s urologist and see how he is doing for a 6 month check-up following his surgery last November. As
well as meet with our RE and discuss next steps. We are asking for a lot of
prayers that during that honest conversation the outcome allows us to try at
least one more time. We feel we are supposed to do this, we feel it will work.
We just pray for the ability to try again, guidance on the timing and a healthy
break for us to heal over the Summer.
