Expectations...

Expectations...

In the past year we have had a lot of expectations.  There were expectations that we would be pregnant by now; that a retrieval and transfer would happen every cycle; and that our second cycle would yield even better results than the first. Here we are today almost exactly a year later from the start of our first cycle in the same boat we were a year ago. No pregnancy and only one embryo to transfer from two cycles that only implanted a “little bit”.

 Next week we start cycle number three, third time's the charm right?!  I kind of miss going into it so naïve, excited, and unknowingly positive.  Now I consider myself at some points, too knowledgeable with the process that it is hard to forget about the disappointment and the shot to the gut when the bad news is delivered. 

The thing that excites me and gives me renewed hope about this cycle is that I have a whole new medication protocol.  All that has been proven with my body to this point is that I am a “poor responder” to the typical medication protocol. With that being said, it is insanity to try something over and over that has not yielded good results. So, I have a new optimism about trying to stimulate and “wake up” my ovaries and eggs in a new way.  Not a desperate way, but a more aggressive way.

At this point, expectations for IVF #3 are out the window. God has shown me that while I think I can control everything in my life or that I can just go and get what I want, that is definitely not the case.  My focus will be on each little step and if we progress past each appointment that in itself is a blessing and success!

During our “break” the last eight months, there have been many times that I have felt close to just saying it isn't meant to be.  I have felt like I am playing black jack, and I am down to my last chip (maybe few chips- who knows?). The excitement of the possibility of this working makes me want to hand the chip over and play; yet the fear of it ending in heartbreak again makes me want to put that chip right back in my pocket.

We have prayed our hearts out and we know there are a ton of people praying for us as well.  We know that God has the ability to open this door and close it as he desires. We are giving it all to him, as the door has opened again we will walk through it with all the faith and hope in the world. We will give him our hearts completely and we will believe in his promises.  There is a plan and a already determined path that we are walking through.  This is a difficult journey that many cannot understand, however I wouldn't wish it away at all.  We are growing together in a way we never could have on our own.

 We want to be able to say confidently and show with the proof of our baby that miracles happen! 

For now all we can do is have patience, trust and faith in God and believe with every ounce of our hearts that “With God- All Things Are Possible!” (Matthew 19:26)

Our first appointment for this cycle is Dec.29^th (baseline appointment). We will be praying to get the clear to start again. The meds are waiting in the fridge and we are ready! After they were delivered, I had a little talk with them about actually working this time in quite the stern voice! J

(This is around $3k of meds)

Is Summer Over Already? What's to come...

It has been a while since I have posted anything, so here is a little update.  We have taken the last three and a half months and worked our tails off and let my body start recovering from our second failed cycle.  My body is still not “regular” with the monthly gift of aunt flo; she is the nicest person in the world to me (NOT)! I am hoping in a few weeks I am all cleared up. So until then, period cramps, spotting and feeling “off” is my normal! YAY J

At the end of June we had another“WTF” appointment. Our doctor will change our medication protocol next time to less meds that essentially “shut” my system down and put my ovaries to sleep and way more meds to “wake” them up. This new protocol “should” result in the production of more eggs (which is what we need) or at the least a few REALLY good quality eggs. The words “should”, “typical”, "normal", they mean zilch to me at this point. I am far from normal (I am sure a lot of you would agree) So all we can do it keep trusting God, putting in a lot of faith and not worrying about the outcome. He knows what is going to happen and we cannot control it. This is MUCH easier said than done but I am finally almost there after 2 failed cycles. Our trust in him is what gives us hope. The end!

Question of the summer…When will we do it again?  The truth is two things. #1) IVF is super expensive. In November we will be paid off from our first two attempts. Most of it you pay upfront, however we have had a few lingering bills/card balances and it will feel so good to have those paid off. We have given up our summer weekends, worked a second job but it is so worth it. The stress of a cycle and the physical and mental toll it takes on your body is unexplainable unless you have been through it. Pile a little financial stress on top of how crappy you are already feeling and you have one big stress sundae with a bright red cherry on top. We really feel this next cycle is ours, but want to be at the point where we have as clean of a slate as possible going in. (At least that is one thing we can control).  J  #2) Timing- how do you look at a calendar and say, “This week is the week that IVF is finally going to work for us” or “Yep- my body will be so ready to produce follicles this day”. That is an impossible task.  If there is one thing I literally HATE about this process that is it-picking a date. God, just make the week you want available and present… I am crying out here. I seriously cringe at that decision. 

In the past all of my gut feelings (true hard gut feelings) have been spot on. I could give you some examples and you would get goose bumps of how spot on they have been.  I am going to listen to my heart and my gut on the timing this next round.  Right now it says November or immediately after the New Year, however I can't pin point either one and so I am just going with it until we feel an answer.

The last piece is that this fall is going to be emotionally hard and we want to be in a even better place emotionally and spiritually prior to starting than we are now.  For those of you that don’t believe life begins at conception, I would advise to stop reading now.  When Kris and I had our first IVF cycle last January, they transferred one embryo.  That was our baby. It was our DNA, it was alive and developing and it was 5 days old.  When we looked through the microscope and saw it…that was a baby. All we know is that it was dropped as a little air bubble on a screen that we could see right next to my uterine lining.  And for the next twelve days I was pregnant (until proven otherwise). Because of the progesterone supplements you take in IVF, I had sore boobs, I was tired, I was highly emotional, etc. My body thought it was and for a few days my gut told me I was. We were slightly pregnant with one blood test and then not with a second. Even though it was barely a “biochemical” pregnancy it means something to us and that is the only time that I have ever had life that was Kris and I inside of me. Even if it was for a day or 5 days it existed for a moment in time and that is something I will always treasure and remember.

With that being said, October 4^th would have been our due date had it lasted. I just want to mentally and spiritually make it through September and October in a good place. I have exciting things happening to people around me and I want to be joyful and enjoy that time with the people I care about so much. There are always triggers and reminders and I just know this one will be one for us.  I want to be on the other side of it before we start again.

We are also going to be starting a 10 week class at our church and want to dig even deeper spiritually. I just know that I can trust, love and have even more faith in God. The waiting time is never good for me… I feel like if I ever slip off spiritually it is in the wait. I let myself get frustrated easily; sometimes angry at our situation. In my heart, I don't feel that way…but it always surfaces during the wait. I think about the negatives of this journey so far and I need to focus on the positives, be 150% in it and tackle a new cycle head on.

So until then…we enjoy a few more months of life and let ourselves get truly prepared to start again! We are excited and it feels close and far away…but it is definitely happening again! And it is going to work- that is my positive statement for the day!

To our support systems, those who genuinely care, reach out- ask us how it is going and check in on us; YOU mean the world to us! I know you all probably get sick of hearing about it, however this is a major part of our lives right now (we pray and know it won't be forever) but we appreciate so much you all coming along on this ride with us.  It isn't all negative and we hope we don't portray it that way… we hope you find inspiration in our strength to keep fighting this and in our faith in God that he will see us through this- we know it and believe it!

James 1:2-6…² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds,³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

Luke 11:9-10…⁹ “So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ¹⁰ For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

IVF #2, Another "No"...

It is with sad news again that we have to say our IVF #2 didn’t work.  We did another fresh cycle and it was an emotional rollercoaster from the get go. There were multiple times throughout the stimulation period based on the ultrasounds that it appeared my body was not responding well. That is the piece you can never know; the why? There were a few times that it appeared the cycle could bounce back and we could have a successful retrieval; however it never quite made it. 

We ordered more meds ($$) as we tried to pump up the dosage and follicle development.  We had a few extra monitoring appointments and added an extra day of stimulation.  Within a two day span, we went from thinking our cycle was cancelled to having the hope that our Dr. felt good about moving forward and stimulating me one more day; to a dropping estrogen level and the conversion of our cycle to IUI (artificial insemination); and lastly having to walk away and try naturally once again.

{As a back track, the reason Kris and I went straight to doing IVF without doing any IUI treatments, is that because of a few possible problems he doesn't have a lot of sperm or good quality sperm. In the past, Kris’s sperm counts have been inconsistent ranging from 200K to 2.9 million. They like to have at least 1 million to try IUI which only has a 10-20% chance of working.

In our hearts, we had grieved the end of our 2^nd cycle before we even found out it was going to be converted to IUI. We just knew it was over. It was hard to feel confident taking the HCG “trigger” shot knowing that we had already been told the IUI procedure wouldn’t work for us throughout the past year.  The nurses built our confidence up a little bit letting us know that in case there was a “good” sperm sample that we could use what we had frozen to get it up to a million. 

Truthfully, at this point we were numb, we had been crying and processing that this probably wasn't the right time, my body didn't respond well and we were feeling like it was going to be cancelled over the previous two days. We didn't really have any feelings anymore and the last thing we had was excitement or hope going into it.

The clinic still had me take the trigger shot after 11 days of stimulation, as I had 3 mature follicles (the HCG trigger shot is PAINFUL). The HCG shot is perfectly timed and it happened to be the night Kris had a late mandatory work meeting. So there I sat, crying in the car in the parking lot of Kris’s work while he mixed up my shot trying to regain some hope and strength to get through the next 36 hours.

A day and a half later we went to the clinic, Kris provided a fresh sample and I did acupuncture. Next was the IUI procedure. After waiting an extra hour in the waiting room, we knew the news wasn't good. They were clearly using his frozen as well.  Turns out Kris had his lowest sample ever- 10K. Even with unfreezing two vials we only had 400K (they want a million).  We decided to keep the remaining 2 vials of frozen in case we need them later on and walk away. The Dr. recommended we try naturally and see if that would work, since my body would still release hopefully 3 eggs.  I got my period last week and it didn't work.  

 The feeling of it not working naturally has happened for over 4 years month and month; it hurts and is painful but not as bad as the first time.  We had dealt with the sadness and rollercoaster of emotions the entire week prior to walking away from the IUI appointment.  Last time when our embryo slightly implanted and then didn’t work was hard. That felt like the closest thing to even a miscarriage we have ever experienced. Even if it was 10 minutes, and hour or a day… it mattered and meant a little success to us. The Dr. talked about more aggressive and different protocols for next time, but we were so numb we just bolted, cried and then cried some more.

WHY DID IT NOT WORK AGAIN? HOW MANY TIMES? WHEN IS THE RIGHT TIME? WILL THEY SUGGEST WE TRY AGAIN OR IS THIS NOT GOING TO WORK? SO MANY QUESTIONS!!

This is a true example that we have no control over our bodies, our wants and our desires. God knows when my body will be receptive if it is ever going to be receptive and we will continue to trust him, whatever that is.  There is pain, there is hurt, there is confusion, but we will again pick ourselves up again, trust a little more, regain some hope and try to look and listen for the right time to try again.  We are stronger in our faith, we are stronger as a couple, and we have even a stronger desire to get pregnant and have a baby.

God knows the end result. We just pray that we continue to feel his presence and keep our trust in him even when we don’t understand. I don’t even look at our infertility as a "victim" or that I deserve it more than the next person. I actually feel somewhat honored that God is choosing to work through Kris and me in a way that could never happen without the hardship and the struggle. This is testing us every day, we are learning to be patient and be still. He is always working things together for our good. He loves us and is with us.

I hear d this quote today and it stuck with me: “Everything will be ok in the end; if it is not ok then it isn’t the end!”

We don’t know what the end will be, but with our faith in God we will be ok and after all the tears and physical and emotional healing to come; we will be strong enough to battle whatever is next.

I was listening to Pandora a lot the week all of this happened, this song kept popping up. The first verse says my feelings best:

I am not skilled to understand

What God has willed, what God has planned

I only know at his right hand

Stands one who is my savior

The next step for us is to meet with Kris’s urologist and see how he is doing for a 6 month check-up following his surgery last November.  As well as meet with our RE and discuss next steps. We are asking for a lot of prayers that during that honest conversation the outcome allows us to try at least one more time. We feel we are supposed to do this, we feel it will work. We just pray for the ability to try again, guidance on the timing and a healthy break for us to heal over the Summer.

When God Opens Doors, Walk Through Them...

The last week has been a whirlwind of emotions to say the least. 

During an IVF cycle you have monitoring appointments to watch over and make sure the stimulation drugs are doing their job just right. We have had 4 monitoring appointments between last Wednesday and today (that equals (4), 4 hour round trips early morning to beat rush hour).  During an IVF cycle it is also unclear how your body will react to the stimulation meds, each cycle can be different; this has been our experience thus far. (At all monitoring appointments they do a blood draw to test your estradiol 2 level (estrogen) as well as an ultrasound to see how many follicles, (follicles are fluid filled sacs that should hold the eggs) the size(s) and check your uterine lining thickness.)

Monitoring Appointment Summary:

5/7/14:  Showed 6 follicles that could be measured (2 right, 4 left) still early in development. Estrogen level was lower than it should be.  I was upped to a much higher dose 2x/day.

5/10/14: Showed closer to 8 follicles that could be measured (2 right, 6 left) sizing was better and closer together. Estrogen level was still lower than it should be. Continue high dosage.

5/12/14:  Showed 6 follicles (2 right, 4 left). Sizing showed that possibly 4 would reach maturity.

 *You cannot attempt to fertilize an egg unless it is mature

5/13/14: Showed 6 follicles (2 right, 4 left). Sizing showed that only 3 would reach maturity.

The way it works after your monitoring appointment is that the IVF nurses and Dr’s all get together, go over your monitoring results and discuss moving forward any changes or when you will be ready to take your “trigger” shot. (This gets the eggs inside the follicles ready for retrieval; retrieval happens 36 hours after HCG “trigger” shot).

 Our nurse came in and had the conversation that we thought was coming with our low number of mature eggs/follicles.  She asked us our thoughts on moving forward. I of course started balling, as I have been feeling like the cancellation of our cycle was coming.  When you don’t know the future or what is going to happen…I tend to revert back to the past and compare. Well in our last cycle we retrieved 8 eggs of which 7 were mature and only 4 fertilized (we have sperm quality issues as well).  My heart sank knowing yesterday morning that we only the potential for 3 mature looking eggs and what if none fertilize?  We have spent so much money up to this point, however hadn't really gotten to the “real” expensive part yet. I feel good, have done acupuncture, etc. but why is my body not responding to the meds well this time? Are we better off to cancel and try in a month again and see if I react differently? The flood of emotions, questions was all too much.  We decided to head back to and asked our nurse to discuss with our Dr and see what his stance was.  The clinics typical rule is that they cancel the cycle if there are less than 3 mature follicles. There we sat…right at the border line with a big decision.

As we got into the car, I thought…there is always the exception to the rule and maybe that is us.  Kris and I prayed really hard, we cried really hard and then prayed really hard again.  The longer we drove, the more we began to think…we have worked so hard for these follicles and how could we just cancel and be done. What if God is only giving us what we need for it work?  Neither of us admitted until we went to bed last night; however both of us were feeling we need to move forward and see what happens. We were hurt and broken last cycle, we were hurt and broken yesterday…we know the odds are against us…however, let’s see what happens! God can work miracles.

All afternoon as I got back to work I felt so exhausted. Around 1:45pm the number from the clinic popped up on my phone and my heart sank.  It was the nurse stating that our Dr. without hesitation wanted to move forward with the cycle and that he wanted us to stimulate one more day to see if we could get even one of the smaller borderline follicles to reach a mature level.  WHAT? This hadn't even been a thought in our mind or an option.  Our Dr. had tested a couple of other blood levels (still not sure why) and apparently they came back good and where he wanted them. As I spoke to the nurse, I realized we had headed out after our appointment and back without even thinking if we needed any more meds? We were either supposed be cancelled or taking the HCG shot that night.  Our local pharmacies can’t get them in time! The nurse had the meds at the clinic and so Kris drove back down to the clinic after only being back for 2 hours to get the meds.  Bless his soul, after getting up at 4am he had made (2) 4 hour round trips- 8 hours total of driving.

Earlier, when we got back to Alexandria and headed into work, we both said…we will go with whatever our Dr says. We both prayed that God give us a big sign of what his will is for this cycle and that he speak to us through our Dr and the call we knew we would get yesterday afternoon. 

All that I can do is keep walking through the doors that the lord keeps opening. Trust him completely. Never lose Faith.  Believe in Miracles.

This cycle has been different than every expectation I had going into it, it has been trying, it has been overly emotional and it has made us hope and believe more than we thought we already did. We know God is working through us…we don’t know the end result or exactly why, however we trust it will be big and we feel God’s presence with us.

Now we wait for the clinic to hopefully call today and tell us to take the HCG “trigger” shot tonight.  The next step/hurdle will be the egg retrieval Friday and leaving with a few good quality eggs that are mature enough to attempt fertilization. 

We are focusing on one step at a time, one small success at a time, and reminding ourselves of how much God loves us.

Thank you to all who are praying with us, we truly can feel it and it means more to us than you will ever know.

Kris & Megan  

What Happened? What’s Next? The Waiting Game

Kris and I had our failed IVF follow up appointment February 24^th, 2014. I like to call it a “WTF” happened appointment.  The appointment went well, basically it came down to the fact that we had (1) 5 day blastocyst to transfer, however it was so early in development that it couldn't even be graded. Being that we had a 5 day transfer, our Doctor felt confident the small level of HCG that I produced to give us a barely borderline positive for like 1 day had to be from the embryo and not the HCG shot given 36 hours before retrieval. With that being said, he however didn’t feel it was enough of a positive to even consider this last cycle a biochemical pregnancy.

Things we do know:

1.       My body created follicles and produced eggs (7).

2.       On day 2 when the embryologists reviewed our eggs to make a decision on day 3 or day 5 transfer we had (4) above average looking embryos out of the (4) that fertilized normally.

3.       They were able to get a few good sperm to fertilize using ICSI.

4.       Next cycle will be starting stimulation meds:  May 6th, 2014

5.       Our meds will increase; the goal is to get more eggs/embryos to choose from!

6.       They will more than likely used assisted hatching along with ICSI.

7.       Transferring (2) day 3 embryos no matter what, God given we have (2) good looking day 3 embryos!

Things we don’t know:

1.       Why our embryo growth “slowed” down after day 2?

2.       The quality of the blastocyst they transferred?

3.       How many eggs I can be expected to produce on increased meds?

4.       How much implantation was there?

5.       Is my uterus “hostile”?

6.       Will it work again?

7.       How many more times do/can we go through this?

8.       How much will insurance cover, how much out of pocket, and when?

Things we are trying for fun:

1.       Chinese herbs/ more supplements/vitamins

2.       Acupuncture

·         These “remedies” will all be documented in another post. Even though I realize I have no control over the next cycle. These things let me pretend for a modestly expensive additional fee that I can have an ounce of effect on the outcome.

So know we move on to IVF Cycle #2. Did I really just say that?! This wait time of about 3 months has not been what I anticipated and we are only a month in today. I don't feel clarity, fully at peace, or much healthier mentally than I was a month and a half ago. You just learn to cope. As psychotically backwards as this sounds when I am about to type it…I miss the appointments, ultrasounds, needle poking, blood draws, 4 hour round trip drives and more. I miss my routine and I miss making progress. I don't like the nothingness that exists in this waiting game. I feel strong and ready to take on this next cycle. I have hope but the truth is that I feel a little less hope. I feel just blah...the waiting game lets my mind run and I just want to get started again and get back to my "normal".

I am not perfect, and I have definitely let myself slip out of my healthy daily routine with God. I am getting back there and man does it feel good! I still believe this is where I am supposed to be. I know God has a plan and I am praying hard that this is the direction he wants us to go. I know he will provide us with a blessing beyond what we can comprehend.  I trust God, I just don't always understand. And for those that know me well...that is a hard thing for me to let go of, letting go and remembering that this entire process is one BIG FAT UNKOWN!

The thing that has really helped Kris and I get through the infertility journey thus far and especially our first cycle is the daily devotional “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young. I finished typing this blog entry about 30 minutes ago. Went to the bathroom and thought, I haven’t read my devotional today. So I just googled it and here it is:

 Jesus Calling 3/24

---

March 24

This is a time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control. In order to let go of something that is precious to you, you need to rest in My Presence, where you are complete. Take time to bask in the Light of My Love. As you relax more and more, your grasping hand gradually opens up, releasing your prized possession into My care.

You can feel secure, even in the midst of cataclysmic changes, through awareness of My continual Presence. The One who never leaves you is the same One who never changes: I am the same yesterday, today, and forever. As you release more and more things into My care, remember that I never let go of your hand. Herein lies your security, which no one and no circumstance can take from you.

Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you, who walk in the light of your presence, O Lord. —Psalm 89:15

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. —Hebrews 13:8

“For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” —Isaiah 41:13

Every night I pray that God help keep me close to him, I know that he is the #1 support that can help me get through this and he is the only being that knows his plans for me.I ask that he put me in his care and bring me to the roads he wants me to travel down. That he work through me to keep my eyes, ears and heart open to live for him and make the decisions he wants me to (especially in regards to cycle #2). And to remember, I need big signs from him…I am not that good at understanding without them! J

Well do you think this is my sign, “Let Go…Take Hold!”  I think so; thankful for this reminder right now. I need to not try to understand but to cling to God's continuous presence. He is always working on our behalf and for that I am grateful and thankful!

On another note- I found this gem on Pinterest today…could it be more fitting? 

Understanding God’s “No”’s

(1^st failed IVF cycle)

It has taken me a while to write this post. The thoughts that encompass my daily activities are almost too many to put down in words. Kris and I getting to the point of doing our first IVF cycle felt so directed by God. We didn't try to force this cycle, we let our IVF journey transpire as it did and took it appointment by appointment and day by day. We were extremely blessed along the way by supportive work environments with all of our days needing to be gone and having about 70% of our IVF cycle covered by a surprise lifetime maximum in my insurance (which is now gone completely). God had made this cycle seem like it was our time and we were following his path. And then… he gave us a “NO”. 

The infertility journey, let alone our failed IVF cycle leaves feelings of loss, emptiness, confusion, numbness, pain, sadness, hopelessness, loneliness and concern. This journey has been a part of our lives for over 4 years now and at the same time it feels like we are on an island, looking at the shore from a longer distance than we thought and just getting started again. This journey has changed me, some parts more positively than others; however the fact is that it changes you, it changes your life, your friendships, your marriage, your faith, and your daily expectations.

I have learned that I can handle the negative stuff that life throws at you, I can cry it out, I can be genuine in my sadness, I can feel completely broken and empty; and with my strength I can get up take a deep breath and go to work the next day.  Is this the life I would have chosen for myself…absolutely not! Is this life making me into the person God wants me to be…hopefully!

The struggle is part of the story, and in our story I am a stronger woman, stronger in my marriage and stronger in my faith than I ever thought I could be. Even though our failed cycle has taken a little piece of me with it, I am thankful for the small victories we achieved during this first cycle (eggs produced, eggs fertilized, an embryo to transfer, and a one day borderline positive) and am currently dwelling in those positive moments for future hope. I am thankful that I have an amazing husband who makes me feel safe and secure, and I am thankful that I can get up in the morning and take a deep breath, go to my great job, and visit with people that support me daily; sweat it out with a good workout and soak this life in with a good meal.

Back to my amazing husband, the truth of the matter is that our marriage will change from this and it has changed from this. These types of situations of “struggle” or “despair” either make or break a couple. We are right now both in a place of wanting the same goal and that is our common ground on top of our already firm and loving relationship, however I try not to lose the fact that we also need to be able to go back to a place where just loving and having each other is enough. Our faith is strong and our trust in God is big; however our prayers are bigger than ever now as we prepare for whatever the next steps are to hopefully reach the “shore” in the unknown distance.

I am glad that I am not one of those women or girls that can get pregnant without even flinching or say it was a “surprise”. When this works, because I have complete faith, trust and a gut wrenching feeling that it will; I want to tell my story, I want to be proud of what we have accomplished together as a couple and I will be a true testament to what it means to have patience and trust in God. 

We will work as hard physically and mentally, long financially, and deep spiritually and emotionally that we possibly can bear to become a Mom and a Dad. We want to announce we are expecting in a cute way, take 9 months of belly pictures and watch our baby grow, sit in a hospital room and give birth, hold our brand new baby, cry and hug him/her.

I want morning sickness, I want to be tired, I want to experience cravings, I want to buy maternity clothes, I want to watch my husband set up a baby room, cuddle with his newborn baby and read stories, send out a birth announcement and make the best baby book ever seen. I want it all, the good and the bad of being parents, the good and the bad of pregnancy. I know this to be true; we will treasure every aspect of being a Mom and Dad and the miracle it is to get there much more than we probably ever would have had this journey been easy. 

This is a dream that we will not give up on. The road seems dim right now, the days are long and lonely but we can make it through on hope, faith, a strong love and respect for each other and by trusting completely in the promises that God gives us.

So for now, we wait…we make another trip down to the cities and we look to God to take over this “WFT” (failed IVF cycle review) meeting, take over the thoughts, cares and ideas of our Dr’s, embryologists, nurses and us to guide this journey to HIS next step of HIS ultimate plan.

I mean after all we have already experienced over 50 “No’s”, over 50 negative tests and over 50 visits from aunt flo. We fall down, gather some strength from within and from God, hold on to each other tight, and pick ourselves up and try again.

Verse: Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s PEACE, which EXCEEDS anything we can UNDERSTAND. HIS peace will guard your hearts and minds as you LIVE in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4: 6-7