Is Summer Over Already? What's to come...

It has been a while since I have posted anything, so here is a little update.  We have taken the last three and a half months and worked our tails off and let my body start recovering from our second failed cycle.  My body is still not “regular” with the monthly gift of aunt flo; she is the nicest person in the world to me (NOT)! I am hoping in a few weeks I am all cleared up. So until then, period cramps, spotting and feeling “off” is my normal! YAY J

At the end of June we had another“WTF” appointment. Our doctor will change our medication protocol next time to less meds that essentially “shut” my system down and put my ovaries to sleep and way more meds to “wake” them up. This new protocol “should” result in the production of more eggs (which is what we need) or at the least a few REALLY good quality eggs. The words “should”, “typical”, "normal", they mean zilch to me at this point. I am far from normal (I am sure a lot of you would agree) So all we can do it keep trusting God, putting in a lot of faith and not worrying about the outcome. He knows what is going to happen and we cannot control it. This is MUCH easier said than done but I am finally almost there after 2 failed cycles. Our trust in him is what gives us hope. The end!

Question of the summer…When will we do it again?  The truth is two things. #1) IVF is super expensive. In November we will be paid off from our first two attempts. Most of it you pay upfront, however we have had a few lingering bills/card balances and it will feel so good to have those paid off. We have given up our summer weekends, worked a second job but it is so worth it. The stress of a cycle and the physical and mental toll it takes on your body is unexplainable unless you have been through it. Pile a little financial stress on top of how crappy you are already feeling and you have one big stress sundae with a bright red cherry on top. We really feel this next cycle is ours, but want to be at the point where we have as clean of a slate as possible going in. (At least that is one thing we can control).  J  #2) Timing- how do you look at a calendar and say, “This week is the week that IVF is finally going to work for us” or “Yep- my body will be so ready to produce follicles this day”. That is an impossible task.  If there is one thing I literally HATE about this process that is it-picking a date. God, just make the week you want available and present… I am crying out here. I seriously cringe at that decision. 

In the past all of my gut feelings (true hard gut feelings) have been spot on. I could give you some examples and you would get goose bumps of how spot on they have been.  I am going to listen to my heart and my gut on the timing this next round.  Right now it says November or immediately after the New Year, however I can't pin point either one and so I am just going with it until we feel an answer.

The last piece is that this fall is going to be emotionally hard and we want to be in a even better place emotionally and spiritually prior to starting than we are now.  For those of you that don’t believe life begins at conception, I would advise to stop reading now.  When Kris and I had our first IVF cycle last January, they transferred one embryo.  That was our baby. It was our DNA, it was alive and developing and it was 5 days old.  When we looked through the microscope and saw it…that was a baby. All we know is that it was dropped as a little air bubble on a screen that we could see right next to my uterine lining.  And for the next twelve days I was pregnant (until proven otherwise). Because of the progesterone supplements you take in IVF, I had sore boobs, I was tired, I was highly emotional, etc. My body thought it was and for a few days my gut told me I was. We were slightly pregnant with one blood test and then not with a second. Even though it was barely a “biochemical” pregnancy it means something to us and that is the only time that I have ever had life that was Kris and I inside of me. Even if it was for a day or 5 days it existed for a moment in time and that is something I will always treasure and remember.

With that being said, October 4^th would have been our due date had it lasted. I just want to mentally and spiritually make it through September and October in a good place. I have exciting things happening to people around me and I want to be joyful and enjoy that time with the people I care about so much. There are always triggers and reminders and I just know this one will be one for us.  I want to be on the other side of it before we start again.

We are also going to be starting a 10 week class at our church and want to dig even deeper spiritually. I just know that I can trust, love and have even more faith in God. The waiting time is never good for me… I feel like if I ever slip off spiritually it is in the wait. I let myself get frustrated easily; sometimes angry at our situation. In my heart, I don't feel that way…but it always surfaces during the wait. I think about the negatives of this journey so far and I need to focus on the positives, be 150% in it and tackle a new cycle head on.

So until then…we enjoy a few more months of life and let ourselves get truly prepared to start again! We are excited and it feels close and far away…but it is definitely happening again! And it is going to work- that is my positive statement for the day!

To our support systems, those who genuinely care, reach out- ask us how it is going and check in on us; YOU mean the world to us! I know you all probably get sick of hearing about it, however this is a major part of our lives right now (we pray and know it won't be forever) but we appreciate so much you all coming along on this ride with us.  It isn't all negative and we hope we don't portray it that way… we hope you find inspiration in our strength to keep fighting this and in our faith in God that he will see us through this- we know it and believe it!

James 1:2-6…² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds,³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

Luke 11:9-10…⁹ “So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ¹⁰ For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.