What Happened? What’s Next? The Waiting Game

Kris and I had our failed IVF follow up appointment February 24^th, 2014. I like to call it a “WTF” happened appointment.  The appointment went well, basically it came down to the fact that we had (1) 5 day blastocyst to transfer, however it was so early in development that it couldn't even be graded. Being that we had a 5 day transfer, our Doctor felt confident the small level of HCG that I produced to give us a barely borderline positive for like 1 day had to be from the embryo and not the HCG shot given 36 hours before retrieval. With that being said, he however didn’t feel it was enough of a positive to even consider this last cycle a biochemical pregnancy.

Things we do know:

1.       My body created follicles and produced eggs (7).

2.       On day 2 when the embryologists reviewed our eggs to make a decision on day 3 or day 5 transfer we had (4) above average looking embryos out of the (4) that fertilized normally.

3.       They were able to get a few good sperm to fertilize using ICSI.

4.       Next cycle will be starting stimulation meds:  May 6th, 2014

5.       Our meds will increase; the goal is to get more eggs/embryos to choose from!

6.       They will more than likely used assisted hatching along with ICSI.

7.       Transferring (2) day 3 embryos no matter what, God given we have (2) good looking day 3 embryos!

Things we don’t know:

1.       Why our embryo growth “slowed” down after day 2?

2.       The quality of the blastocyst they transferred?

3.       How many eggs I can be expected to produce on increased meds?

4.       How much implantation was there?

5.       Is my uterus “hostile”?

6.       Will it work again?

7.       How many more times do/can we go through this?

8.       How much will insurance cover, how much out of pocket, and when?

Things we are trying for fun:

1.       Chinese herbs/ more supplements/vitamins

2.       Acupuncture

·         These “remedies” will all be documented in another post. Even though I realize I have no control over the next cycle. These things let me pretend for a modestly expensive additional fee that I can have an ounce of effect on the outcome.

So know we move on to IVF Cycle #2. Did I really just say that?! This wait time of about 3 months has not been what I anticipated and we are only a month in today. I don't feel clarity, fully at peace, or much healthier mentally than I was a month and a half ago. You just learn to cope. As psychotically backwards as this sounds when I am about to type it…I miss the appointments, ultrasounds, needle poking, blood draws, 4 hour round trip drives and more. I miss my routine and I miss making progress. I don't like the nothingness that exists in this waiting game. I feel strong and ready to take on this next cycle. I have hope but the truth is that I feel a little less hope. I feel just blah...the waiting game lets my mind run and I just want to get started again and get back to my "normal".

I am not perfect, and I have definitely let myself slip out of my healthy daily routine with God. I am getting back there and man does it feel good! I still believe this is where I am supposed to be. I know God has a plan and I am praying hard that this is the direction he wants us to go. I know he will provide us with a blessing beyond what we can comprehend.  I trust God, I just don't always understand. And for those that know me well...that is a hard thing for me to let go of, letting go and remembering that this entire process is one BIG FAT UNKOWN!

The thing that has really helped Kris and I get through the infertility journey thus far and especially our first cycle is the daily devotional “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young. I finished typing this blog entry about 30 minutes ago. Went to the bathroom and thought, I haven’t read my devotional today. So I just googled it and here it is:

 Jesus Calling 3/24

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March 24

This is a time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control. In order to let go of something that is precious to you, you need to rest in My Presence, where you are complete. Take time to bask in the Light of My Love. As you relax more and more, your grasping hand gradually opens up, releasing your prized possession into My care.

You can feel secure, even in the midst of cataclysmic changes, through awareness of My continual Presence. The One who never leaves you is the same One who never changes: I am the same yesterday, today, and forever. As you release more and more things into My care, remember that I never let go of your hand. Herein lies your security, which no one and no circumstance can take from you.

Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you, who walk in the light of your presence, O Lord. —Psalm 89:15

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. —Hebrews 13:8

“For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” —Isaiah 41:13

Every night I pray that God help keep me close to him, I know that he is the #1 support that can help me get through this and he is the only being that knows his plans for me.I ask that he put me in his care and bring me to the roads he wants me to travel down. That he work through me to keep my eyes, ears and heart open to live for him and make the decisions he wants me to (especially in regards to cycle #2). And to remember, I need big signs from him…I am not that good at understanding without them! J

Well do you think this is my sign, “Let Go…Take Hold!”  I think so; thankful for this reminder right now. I need to not try to understand but to cling to God's continuous presence. He is always working on our behalf and for that I am grateful and thankful!

On another note- I found this gem on Pinterest today…could it be more fitting? 

Understanding God’s “No”’s

(1^st failed IVF cycle)

It has taken me a while to write this post. The thoughts that encompass my daily activities are almost too many to put down in words. Kris and I getting to the point of doing our first IVF cycle felt so directed by God. We didn't try to force this cycle, we let our IVF journey transpire as it did and took it appointment by appointment and day by day. We were extremely blessed along the way by supportive work environments with all of our days needing to be gone and having about 70% of our IVF cycle covered by a surprise lifetime maximum in my insurance (which is now gone completely). God had made this cycle seem like it was our time and we were following his path. And then… he gave us a “NO”. 

The infertility journey, let alone our failed IVF cycle leaves feelings of loss, emptiness, confusion, numbness, pain, sadness, hopelessness, loneliness and concern. This journey has been a part of our lives for over 4 years now and at the same time it feels like we are on an island, looking at the shore from a longer distance than we thought and just getting started again. This journey has changed me, some parts more positively than others; however the fact is that it changes you, it changes your life, your friendships, your marriage, your faith, and your daily expectations.

I have learned that I can handle the negative stuff that life throws at you, I can cry it out, I can be genuine in my sadness, I can feel completely broken and empty; and with my strength I can get up take a deep breath and go to work the next day.  Is this the life I would have chosen for myself…absolutely not! Is this life making me into the person God wants me to be…hopefully!

The struggle is part of the story, and in our story I am a stronger woman, stronger in my marriage and stronger in my faith than I ever thought I could be. Even though our failed cycle has taken a little piece of me with it, I am thankful for the small victories we achieved during this first cycle (eggs produced, eggs fertilized, an embryo to transfer, and a one day borderline positive) and am currently dwelling in those positive moments for future hope. I am thankful that I have an amazing husband who makes me feel safe and secure, and I am thankful that I can get up in the morning and take a deep breath, go to my great job, and visit with people that support me daily; sweat it out with a good workout and soak this life in with a good meal.

Back to my amazing husband, the truth of the matter is that our marriage will change from this and it has changed from this. These types of situations of “struggle” or “despair” either make or break a couple. We are right now both in a place of wanting the same goal and that is our common ground on top of our already firm and loving relationship, however I try not to lose the fact that we also need to be able to go back to a place where just loving and having each other is enough. Our faith is strong and our trust in God is big; however our prayers are bigger than ever now as we prepare for whatever the next steps are to hopefully reach the “shore” in the unknown distance.

I am glad that I am not one of those women or girls that can get pregnant without even flinching or say it was a “surprise”. When this works, because I have complete faith, trust and a gut wrenching feeling that it will; I want to tell my story, I want to be proud of what we have accomplished together as a couple and I will be a true testament to what it means to have patience and trust in God. 

We will work as hard physically and mentally, long financially, and deep spiritually and emotionally that we possibly can bear to become a Mom and a Dad. We want to announce we are expecting in a cute way, take 9 months of belly pictures and watch our baby grow, sit in a hospital room and give birth, hold our brand new baby, cry and hug him/her.

I want morning sickness, I want to be tired, I want to experience cravings, I want to buy maternity clothes, I want to watch my husband set up a baby room, cuddle with his newborn baby and read stories, send out a birth announcement and make the best baby book ever seen. I want it all, the good and the bad of being parents, the good and the bad of pregnancy. I know this to be true; we will treasure every aspect of being a Mom and Dad and the miracle it is to get there much more than we probably ever would have had this journey been easy. 

This is a dream that we will not give up on. The road seems dim right now, the days are long and lonely but we can make it through on hope, faith, a strong love and respect for each other and by trusting completely in the promises that God gives us.

So for now, we wait…we make another trip down to the cities and we look to God to take over this “WFT” (failed IVF cycle review) meeting, take over the thoughts, cares and ideas of our Dr’s, embryologists, nurses and us to guide this journey to HIS next step of HIS ultimate plan.

I mean after all we have already experienced over 50 “No’s”, over 50 negative tests and over 50 visits from aunt flo. We fall down, gather some strength from within and from God, hold on to each other tight, and pick ourselves up and try again.

Verse: Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s PEACE, which EXCEEDS anything we can UNDERSTAND. HIS peace will guard your hearts and minds as you LIVE in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4: 6-7