Understanding God’s “No”’s
(1st failed IVF cycle)
It has taken me a while to write this post. The thoughts
that encompass my daily activities are almost too many to put down in words. Kris
and I getting to the point of doing our first IVF cycle felt so directed by God.
We didn't try to force this cycle, we let our IVF journey transpire as it did
and took it appointment by appointment and day by day. We were extremely
blessed along the way by supportive work environments with all of our days
needing to be gone and having about 70% of our IVF cycle covered by a surprise
lifetime maximum in my insurance (which is now gone completely). God had made
this cycle seem like it was our time and we were following his path. And then…
he gave us a “NO”.
The infertility journey, let alone our failed IVF cycle
leaves feelings of loss, emptiness, confusion, numbness, pain, sadness,
hopelessness, loneliness and concern. This journey has been a part of our lives
for over 4 years now and at the same time it feels like we are on an island,
looking at the shore from a longer distance than we thought and just getting
started again. This journey has changed me, some parts more positively than
others; however the fact is that it changes you, it changes your life, your
friendships, your marriage, your faith, and your daily expectations.
I have learned that I can handle the negative stuff that
life throws at you, I can cry it out, I can be genuine in my sadness, I can
feel completely broken and empty; and with my strength I can get up take a deep
breath and go to work the next day. Is
this the life I would have chosen for myself…absolutely not! Is this life making me
into the person God wants me to be…hopefully!
The struggle is part of the story, and in our story I am a
stronger woman, stronger in my marriage and stronger in my faith than I ever
thought I could be. Even though our failed cycle has taken a little piece of me
with it, I am thankful for the small victories we achieved during this first
cycle (eggs produced, eggs fertilized, an embryo to transfer, and a one day borderline
positive) and am currently dwelling in those positive moments for future hope.
I am thankful that I have an amazing husband who makes me feel safe and secure,
and I am thankful that I can get up in the morning and take a deep breath, go
to my great job, and visit with people that support me daily; sweat it out with
a good workout and soak this life in with a good meal.
Back to my amazing husband, the truth of the matter is that
our marriage will change from this and it has changed from this. These types of
situations of “struggle” or “despair” either make or break a couple. We are
right now both in a place of wanting the same goal and that is our common
ground on top of our already firm and loving relationship, however I try not to
lose the fact that we also need to be able to go back to a place where just loving
and having each other is enough. Our faith is strong and our trust in God is big;
however our prayers are bigger than ever now as we prepare for whatever the
next steps are to hopefully reach the “shore” in the unknown distance.
I am glad that I am not one of those women or girls that can
get pregnant without even flinching or say it was a “surprise”. When this
works, because I have complete faith, trust and a gut wrenching feeling that
it will; I want to tell my story, I want to be proud of what we have
accomplished together as a couple and I will be a true testament to what it
means to have patience and trust in God.
We will work as hard physically and
mentally, long financially, and deep spiritually and emotionally that we
possibly can bear to become a Mom and a Dad. We want to announce we are
expecting in a cute way, take 9 months of belly pictures and watch our baby
grow, sit in a hospital room and give birth, hold our brand new baby, cry and
hug him/her.
I want morning sickness, I want to be tired, I want to experience
cravings, I want to buy maternity clothes, I want to watch my husband set up a
baby room, cuddle with his newborn baby and read stories, send out a birth
announcement and make the best baby book ever seen. I want it all, the good and
the bad of being parents, the good and the bad of pregnancy. I know this to be
true; we will treasure every aspect of being a Mom and Dad and the miracle it
is to get there much more than we probably ever would have had this journey
been easy.
This is a dream that we will
not give up on. The road seems dim right now, the days are long and lonely but
we can make it through on hope, faith, a strong love and respect for each other
and by trusting completely in the promises that God gives us.
So for now, we wait…we make another trip down to the cities
and we look to God to take over this “WFT” (failed IVF cycle review) meeting,
take over the thoughts, cares and ideas of our Dr’s, embryologists, nurses and
us to guide this journey to HIS next step of HIS ultimate plan.
I mean after all we
have already experienced over 50 “No’s”, over 50 negative tests and over 50
visits from aunt flo. We fall down, gather some strength from within and from
God, hold on to each other tight, and pick ourselves up and try again.
Verse: Don’t worry
about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and
thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s PEACE, which
EXCEEDS anything we can UNDERSTAND. HIS peace will guard your hearts and minds
as you LIVE in Christ Jesus. Philippians
4: 6-7
